i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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