life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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