you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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