piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i will never coherently bang her
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
