Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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