Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
