I can text with my tongue
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
