the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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