my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
