I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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