Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
