the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
