Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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