dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
