I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize