Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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