you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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