i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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