i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
