there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
