I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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