He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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