and you said cock pushups were impossible
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
