I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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