I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
