Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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