I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
