So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
