Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My penis needs a shock collar
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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