He asked to "fluff my boner.."
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
