Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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