OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
