well you can't waste a boner
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
