It's like God shit irony all over that family
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I think my moral compass just broke
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
