Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
