Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
