If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
