Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
