We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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