The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
