I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize