Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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