pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
