Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I wish life had little blips of pornography
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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