i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
