Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
