I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
