i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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