why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
