If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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