It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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