if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
