Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Blow job season was short but glorious.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We're too hungover to prance.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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