I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
