she was so not down for the gang bang
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
