And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You ruined the universe
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
