A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
