I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
