The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
